I'm Okay With Being Used And Abused...

WAIT!  Stop what you are thinking and keep reading before you even begin to guess where I'm going with this!

A few days ago my spirits were low and I couldn't help but feeling a little "Used" as a friend.  I am definitely not perfect but I really try to be there for others and in this moment of self pity I couldn't help but think of recent events where certain people I'd counted on hadn't be there for me or friends reacted in a way I felt was unfair.

I was feeling low and pondering on all the times I'd had x,y,z going on and "Suzie Q" hadn't attended, yet I'd been there for so many of their events or had done different favors etc for them.

It was a really hard moment and of course just a little teensy-weensy bit of anger crept in because I was focusing on the wrong thing.

Late last night as I was up late folding laundry after my terribly long day of work, I had my "Come to Jesus moment" as I like to refer to them where I realized my heart was in the wrong place.

It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks these thoughts:

Would I rather be giving and be present for friends, acquaintances, and even complete strangers and know I'd done the right thing?

Or would I rather not do anything for anyone else, be selfish, and withold the ultimate blessing on my life and feelings you get when you truly help someone in need?

Of course you can probably guess which one I chose.  It just became so clear to me that although I may feel lonely or that someone isn't there in my time of need, it doesn't matter.  God is there for me!  My family is there for me!

Would I REALLY let those feelings keep me from helping others?

Was my selfishness going to be a stumbling block?

Would I really keep myself from those amazing butterflies you get when you help someone who really needs it?

No!  I really wouldn't!

In the military community, there happens to be a lot of people who "need" something in their life whether it is just someone to talk to, a monetary gift, or even a material need.  If God has provided a surplus in my family and I know someone has that need, I either have the choice to be selfish or the choice to help that person.

Which has more of a blessing on my life?  Which will teach my children's the right way to a "clean heart"?

I have so much to be thankful for and why wouldn't I share that with someone else?

So the next time I feeling lonely, hurt, and abused by someone I'm praying I accept it with the right heart and remember I have 2 choices in life!

I have a confession....

I have a confession.

It may or may not be apparently clear but I have to confess I. Am. Battling. Depression.

Every day I struggle with my self-worth.  I constantly am being told "You're not good enough."  I'm told  "You're a terrible mother."  I feel weak and I feel down-trodden.  I'm broken and on the verge of tears at any second and the worst part is no one knows.

I grew up thinking I was less of a person to admit these things.  It wasn't that anyone told me that outright, its just how I felt.

Now as I'm in my mid-20s I'm realizing its okay not to be perfect.  Although I'm Type A and desperately seek for perfection, I've discovered that my chipped, bruised, battered soul is not alone in its struggle.

I can't say why my personality deals more with this than another person.  Believe me its a question I've long wanted an answer for.  I've been in hiding thinking it was better no one knew what I was going through but it has hit me of late a quote I've heard throughout my childhood: " You go through what you go through, to help others get through what you've been through."

This post isn't for you to feel bad for me or even think of me any less.

This post is for anyone out there who constantly feels inside of themselves that they aren't "enough".

This post is for that person who is ready to "give up" on life.

This post is for the soul that wonders when life will get better.

You know what, I don't know when it will get better but what I've learned is this life is worth living.  My dear children and husband are worth it.  I'm.Worth. It.  (That is something I constantly have to remind myself.

Even when I feel completely hopeless and that I was dealt a sure rotten hand, I have to remind myself that there are people in my life who are completely worth it.

So many people have no idea the struggle that I'm going through and where my life has taken me. They've said the worst things possible to me not realizing the pain they were really causing.  They have no idea what my childhood was like or what I've been through.  I can't let them ruin or dictate my life.  Their words hurt but sometimes those that hurt are really hurting badly themselves.

All I can do is be honest and share that "I'm not perfect."  I constantly feel down on myself for not being "better"  I pray for strength to get through a day and feel good about  myself.  It happens some days but definitely not all of them.

To the person reading this knowing exactly the feelings I'm referring to, please know you AREN'T alone.