Today is very low day. I hate days like today!
For absolutely no earthly reason, I feel defeated. I feel tired. I feel terrible as a person today. I wish I knew where these feelings came from and how to make them stop.
Normally I would share these private thoughts with ANYONE much less the world but in an effort to un-mask another side of myself I want to give you an inside look at what depression does to me.
Depression tells me I worthless.
Depression tells me I don't deserve love.
Depression tells me I don't deserve friends.
Depression tempts me to question my very existence.
Depression tells me I shouldn't even be allowed to have children.
It causes tears to flow, self-pity to set in, self-loathing to commence, and make me feel like I couldn't get any lower in life.
As the tears flow off my face and I feel absolutely alone all I can do is tell myself, "Don't Quit".
This has truly been my mantra in life.
I truly believe God doesn't give us more than we can handle and if I didn't believe that I wouldn't still be here today. I've hidden so much of my pain and sorrow from people.
Some very close friends have seen some of my inner struggles but most people either see one of two sides to me:
1. The crazy, happy go lucky, sweet, caring, and meek person.
2. Or the heated, crazy you take no crap from anyone person.
Inside I feel more like the socially awkward, people are nice to me but don't really like me, in-my-head, nerdy math chic.
At the end of the day, I'm probably a mix of all 3 personalities but if you really got to know me then you'd know my life experiences have made me this way.
We are all handed a different "deck" in life and sometimes it feels like I have been handed a "stacked deck"
I used to think as a child that you either had it really easy as a child and then hard as an adult or vice versa. I can tell you that I don't think that reasoning is logical now that I'm an adult.
But on this very low day where I feel absolutely defeated, I'm going to decide not to cry and muse over my hurts but instead cry and muse over the hurts of others.
Through social media 2 stories have hit my "newsfeed" lately and both make my life look like paradise currently. From a now widowed soldier who has to move on raising newborn twins by himself, to the family about to lose one of their 5 year old twin boys. Both families not even realizing their loved one was ill till literally months ago.
What strikes me the most about both families mentioned is that they haven't lost their faith or love in God. Now honestly as I sit here typing that with tears in my eyes, I just really don't understand that at all. These people are so strong that they can still have their faith even in the midst of the unimaginable.
And I can't have faith when currently no one in my family is knocking on death's door, my children are healthy, and my husband is so amazing supportive?
Dear God,
Help me have the faith of these families. Help me to stay by your side even when I feel like everything is going wrong. Help me be a lighthouse for those people who are hurting the most and help me be there to support them no matter what their needs because EVEN IN THE VALLEY MY GOD IS GOOD.
Daily Thoughts From a Soldier's Princess
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
I'm Okay With Being Used And Abused...
WAIT! Stop what you are thinking and keep reading before you even begin to guess where I'm going with this!
A few days ago my spirits were low and I couldn't help but feeling a little "Used" as a friend. I am definitely not perfect but I really try to be there for others and in this moment of self pity I couldn't help but think of recent events where certain people I'd counted on hadn't be there for me or friends reacted in a way I felt was unfair.
I was feeling low and pondering on all the times I'd had x,y,z going on and "Suzie Q" hadn't attended, yet I'd been there for so many of their events or had done different favors etc for them.
It was a really hard moment and of course just a little teensy-weensy bit of anger crept in because I was focusing on the wrong thing.
Late last night as I was up late folding laundry after my terribly long day of work, I had my "Come to Jesus moment" as I like to refer to them where I realized my heart was in the wrong place.
It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks these thoughts:
Would I rather be giving and be present for friends, acquaintances, and even complete strangers and know I'd done the right thing?
Or would I rather not do anything for anyone else, be selfish, and withold the ultimate blessing on my life and feelings you get when you truly help someone in need?
Of course you can probably guess which one I chose. It just became so clear to me that although I may feel lonely or that someone isn't there in my time of need, it doesn't matter. God is there for me! My family is there for me!
Would I REALLY let those feelings keep me from helping others?
Was my selfishness going to be a stumbling block?
Would I really keep myself from those amazing butterflies you get when you help someone who really needs it?
No! I really wouldn't!
In the military community, there happens to be a lot of people who "need" something in their life whether it is just someone to talk to, a monetary gift, or even a material need. If God has provided a surplus in my family and I know someone has that need, I either have the choice to be selfish or the choice to help that person.
Which has more of a blessing on my life? Which will teach my children's the right way to a "clean heart"?
I have so much to be thankful for and why wouldn't I share that with someone else?
So the next time I feeling lonely, hurt, and abused by someone I'm praying I accept it with the right heart and remember I have 2 choices in life!
A few days ago my spirits were low and I couldn't help but feeling a little "Used" as a friend. I am definitely not perfect but I really try to be there for others and in this moment of self pity I couldn't help but think of recent events where certain people I'd counted on hadn't be there for me or friends reacted in a way I felt was unfair.
I was feeling low and pondering on all the times I'd had x,y,z going on and "Suzie Q" hadn't attended, yet I'd been there for so many of their events or had done different favors etc for them.
It was a really hard moment and of course just a little teensy-weensy bit of anger crept in because I was focusing on the wrong thing.
Late last night as I was up late folding laundry after my terribly long day of work, I had my "Come to Jesus moment" as I like to refer to them where I realized my heart was in the wrong place.
It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks these thoughts:
Would I rather be giving and be present for friends, acquaintances, and even complete strangers and know I'd done the right thing?
Or would I rather not do anything for anyone else, be selfish, and withold the ultimate blessing on my life and feelings you get when you truly help someone in need?
Of course you can probably guess which one I chose. It just became so clear to me that although I may feel lonely or that someone isn't there in my time of need, it doesn't matter. God is there for me! My family is there for me!
Would I REALLY let those feelings keep me from helping others?
Was my selfishness going to be a stumbling block?
Would I really keep myself from those amazing butterflies you get when you help someone who really needs it?
No! I really wouldn't!
In the military community, there happens to be a lot of people who "need" something in their life whether it is just someone to talk to, a monetary gift, or even a material need. If God has provided a surplus in my family and I know someone has that need, I either have the choice to be selfish or the choice to help that person.
Which has more of a blessing on my life? Which will teach my children's the right way to a "clean heart"?
I have so much to be thankful for and why wouldn't I share that with someone else?
So the next time I feeling lonely, hurt, and abused by someone I'm praying I accept it with the right heart and remember I have 2 choices in life!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
I have a confession....
I have a confession.
It may or may not be apparently clear but I have to confess I. Am. Battling. Depression.
Every day I struggle with my self-worth. I constantly am being told "You're not good enough." I'm told "You're a terrible mother." I feel weak and I feel down-trodden. I'm broken and on the verge of tears at any second and the worst part is no one knows.
I grew up thinking I was less of a person to admit these things. It wasn't that anyone told me that outright, its just how I felt.
Now as I'm in my mid-20s I'm realizing its okay not to be perfect. Although I'm Type A and desperately seek for perfection, I've discovered that my chipped, bruised, battered soul is not alone in its struggle.
I can't say why my personality deals more with this than another person. Believe me its a question I've long wanted an answer for. I've been in hiding thinking it was better no one knew what I was going through but it has hit me of late a quote I've heard throughout my childhood: " You go through what you go through, to help others get through what you've been through."
This post isn't for you to feel bad for me or even think of me any less.
This post is for anyone out there who constantly feels inside of themselves that they aren't "enough".
This post is for that person who is ready to "give up" on life.
This post is for the soul that wonders when life will get better.
You know what, I don't know when it will get better but what I've learned is this life is worth living. My dear children and husband are worth it. I'm.Worth. It. (That is something I constantly have to remind myself.
Even when I feel completely hopeless and that I was dealt a sure rotten hand, I have to remind myself that there are people in my life who are completely worth it.
So many people have no idea the struggle that I'm going through and where my life has taken me. They've said the worst things possible to me not realizing the pain they were really causing. They have no idea what my childhood was like or what I've been through. I can't let them ruin or dictate my life. Their words hurt but sometimes those that hurt are really hurting badly themselves.
All I can do is be honest and share that "I'm not perfect." I constantly feel down on myself for not being "better" I pray for strength to get through a day and feel good about myself. It happens some days but definitely not all of them.
To the person reading this knowing exactly the feelings I'm referring to, please know you AREN'T alone.
It may or may not be apparently clear but I have to confess I. Am. Battling. Depression.
Every day I struggle with my self-worth. I constantly am being told "You're not good enough." I'm told "You're a terrible mother." I feel weak and I feel down-trodden. I'm broken and on the verge of tears at any second and the worst part is no one knows.
I grew up thinking I was less of a person to admit these things. It wasn't that anyone told me that outright, its just how I felt.
Now as I'm in my mid-20s I'm realizing its okay not to be perfect. Although I'm Type A and desperately seek for perfection, I've discovered that my chipped, bruised, battered soul is not alone in its struggle.
I can't say why my personality deals more with this than another person. Believe me its a question I've long wanted an answer for. I've been in hiding thinking it was better no one knew what I was going through but it has hit me of late a quote I've heard throughout my childhood: " You go through what you go through, to help others get through what you've been through."
This post isn't for you to feel bad for me or even think of me any less.
This post is for anyone out there who constantly feels inside of themselves that they aren't "enough".
This post is for that person who is ready to "give up" on life.
This post is for the soul that wonders when life will get better.
You know what, I don't know when it will get better but what I've learned is this life is worth living. My dear children and husband are worth it. I'm.Worth. It. (That is something I constantly have to remind myself.
Even when I feel completely hopeless and that I was dealt a sure rotten hand, I have to remind myself that there are people in my life who are completely worth it.
So many people have no idea the struggle that I'm going through and where my life has taken me. They've said the worst things possible to me not realizing the pain they were really causing. They have no idea what my childhood was like or what I've been through. I can't let them ruin or dictate my life. Their words hurt but sometimes those that hurt are really hurting badly themselves.
All I can do is be honest and share that "I'm not perfect." I constantly feel down on myself for not being "better" I pray for strength to get through a day and feel good about myself. It happens some days but definitely not all of them.
To the person reading this knowing exactly the feelings I'm referring to, please know you AREN'T alone.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
*Destroying a Mind-Set of Hate*
I'm not sure about anyone else reading this but when I open my Facebook I see a lot of hate. I see a lot of women who are bashing each other for their personal decisions, their parental decisions, for their fashion choices, for their religious decisions, and the list goes on. So many wonder why people are so broken they'd be willing to take their own life but when I see the real brutality of people come through on Facebook, I'm not only disgusted but its no shock to me some have lost their desire to live.
So many wrap themselves up in the Internet-workings and their own political agenda that they forget to take a good look at themselves. They focus so much on ripping each other up and I have to tell you girls, its not pretty.
No one ever knows what is going on in someone else's personal life. They don't know the struggle ANY person faces besides themselves. They don't know that the person sitting next or across their computer screen was verbally and physically abused, they don't know who is struggling in their marriage, is having trouble losing weight or overcoming their body issues. They don't realize that the snide remark they made just cut the person they were talking to the their absolute core.
What happened to human decency? What happened to good, genuine people who hurt when those they know hurt and care enough to be there for their friends and better yet for those they don't even know?
I remember as a child, I would cry just thinking about a child who went without food but somewhere on my journey to adulthood, I hardened to the world. I kept a straight-forward glance and didn't take time to care about anyone not in my "bubble".
I don't want to be like that anymore and furthermore I am tired of seeing women berate each other by writing articles on "Why not to copy someone else's life choices" or "How not to act like so&so"
Our society is driven by HATE and its sickening. We are teaching our children to be selfish and only care about their needs. We are teaching our children that it's okay to talk to someone poorly if they deserve it.
Its really no wonder that bullying rates are at a all-time high.
We are taught that its okay to say anything on our mind because we have the right to an opinion.
Now I have no problem with "Free speech" or one's opinion but when I see vicious attacking all in the name of one's opinion, I call bull! Its not an opinion, its a way to make yourself "feel better" by bringing someone else down.
I'm not saying I don't partake but as a mother of 2 children (a 4 year old and 7 month old) I want to teach my children to learn to bite their tongue and be the better person in a fight. To teach them that they don't need to say the last word. That being a giving person will always be better than a taking person. That helping someone you don't know with the intentions of receiving no recognition is the true gift in life.
I want to teach my children to LOVE and not HATE.
So many wrap themselves up in the Internet-workings and their own political agenda that they forget to take a good look at themselves. They focus so much on ripping each other up and I have to tell you girls, its not pretty.
No one ever knows what is going on in someone else's personal life. They don't know the struggle ANY person faces besides themselves. They don't know that the person sitting next or across their computer screen was verbally and physically abused, they don't know who is struggling in their marriage, is having trouble losing weight or overcoming their body issues. They don't realize that the snide remark they made just cut the person they were talking to the their absolute core.
What happened to human decency? What happened to good, genuine people who hurt when those they know hurt and care enough to be there for their friends and better yet for those they don't even know?
I remember as a child, I would cry just thinking about a child who went without food but somewhere on my journey to adulthood, I hardened to the world. I kept a straight-forward glance and didn't take time to care about anyone not in my "bubble".
I don't want to be like that anymore and furthermore I am tired of seeing women berate each other by writing articles on "Why not to copy someone else's life choices" or "How not to act like so&so"
Our society is driven by HATE and its sickening. We are teaching our children to be selfish and only care about their needs. We are teaching our children that it's okay to talk to someone poorly if they deserve it.
Its really no wonder that bullying rates are at a all-time high.
We are taught that its okay to say anything on our mind because we have the right to an opinion.
Now I have no problem with "Free speech" or one's opinion but when I see vicious attacking all in the name of one's opinion, I call bull! Its not an opinion, its a way to make yourself "feel better" by bringing someone else down.
I'm not saying I don't partake but as a mother of 2 children (a 4 year old and 7 month old) I want to teach my children to learn to bite their tongue and be the better person in a fight. To teach them that they don't need to say the last word. That being a giving person will always be better than a taking person. That helping someone you don't know with the intentions of receiving no recognition is the true gift in life.
I want to teach my children to LOVE and not HATE.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Lonely, Waiting, & Tired
Sometimes I wonder why I even wake up. I mean my husband is deployed so I don't have to look good for anyone, my daughter is 2 so even an unlimited amount of patience is not enough, and my life is one big routine with no exictement. You know what encourages me to make it through a day? My love for my husband, my daughter, my family, my close friends, and my love for my God.
Before I divulge my deepest, darkest feelings of loneliness and despair I'll take a minute to introduce myself and give you the facts. I'm 23, a Marine Corps wife, and a jack of all trades. My daily life consists of being a full-time mommy, a part-time special education assistant, an entrepeneur, a photographer, a social busy-bee, and a dreamer. My other half is currently deployed to Afghanistan and is really the most special gift I have ever received from God, apart from my daughter that is.
My life has been one big struggle. I am happy to say that almost everything I have is a result of hard work and perserverance. I'm thankful that nothing in my life has been handed to me so that I can be truly thankful for what I do have. God knew that this struggle has made me strong enough to withstand even the hardest moments of my life.
So... now that I've share a few facts about my life, and I'm sure I'll divulge more later, let's move on to my emotional state today which includes an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Now that my husband's deployment is a few months in and I've just graduated from college (no applause in necesarry - just kidding) I have found that my life has become increasingly more dull over the last few weeks. Never one to be dependent, I have found that unless I am busy every moment I can't help but feel incredibly lonely and half empty.
Something tells me this is an emotion that almost every spouse of a military member can understand and relate to. The topic of loneliness often makes others feel as if they are weak and unable to live a life fully on their own. What's interesting to consider is that how fulfilling would life really be if you didn't have someone to share it with. I'm thankful that God provided me with an amazing husband who is a great support system, a fabulous hard-working man, and a tremendous father. This being said, how can I not miss him.
You want to know the reason I wake up? The thing that keeps me going? The fact that eventually I'll see my husband again,whether it be here on Earth or in Heaven, and I want him to be proud knowing that I can survive and really LIVE even when he isn't there. Now, if I could have my husband home now I would surely do it, but..... since that isn't an option I'll just get my couponing binder out, clip some coupons, make some dinner, and go on with my daily life preparing for the day I see my Love again!
Before I divulge my deepest, darkest feelings of loneliness and despair I'll take a minute to introduce myself and give you the facts. I'm 23, a Marine Corps wife, and a jack of all trades. My daily life consists of being a full-time mommy, a part-time special education assistant, an entrepeneur, a photographer, a social busy-bee, and a dreamer. My other half is currently deployed to Afghanistan and is really the most special gift I have ever received from God, apart from my daughter that is.
My life has been one big struggle. I am happy to say that almost everything I have is a result of hard work and perserverance. I'm thankful that nothing in my life has been handed to me so that I can be truly thankful for what I do have. God knew that this struggle has made me strong enough to withstand even the hardest moments of my life.
So... now that I've share a few facts about my life, and I'm sure I'll divulge more later, let's move on to my emotional state today which includes an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Now that my husband's deployment is a few months in and I've just graduated from college (no applause in necesarry - just kidding) I have found that my life has become increasingly more dull over the last few weeks. Never one to be dependent, I have found that unless I am busy every moment I can't help but feel incredibly lonely and half empty.
Something tells me this is an emotion that almost every spouse of a military member can understand and relate to. The topic of loneliness often makes others feel as if they are weak and unable to live a life fully on their own. What's interesting to consider is that how fulfilling would life really be if you didn't have someone to share it with. I'm thankful that God provided me with an amazing husband who is a great support system, a fabulous hard-working man, and a tremendous father. This being said, how can I not miss him.
You want to know the reason I wake up? The thing that keeps me going? The fact that eventually I'll see my husband again,whether it be here on Earth or in Heaven, and I want him to be proud knowing that I can survive and really LIVE even when he isn't there. Now, if I could have my husband home now I would surely do it, but..... since that isn't an option I'll just get my couponing binder out, clip some coupons, make some dinner, and go on with my daily life preparing for the day I see my Love again!
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