Today is very low day. I hate days like today!
For absolutely no earthly reason, I feel defeated. I feel tired. I feel terrible as a person today. I wish I knew where these feelings came from and how to make them stop.
Normally I would share these private thoughts with ANYONE much less the world but in an effort to un-mask another side of myself I want to give you an inside look at what depression does to me.
Depression tells me I worthless.
Depression tells me I don't deserve love.
Depression tells me I don't deserve friends.
Depression tempts me to question my very existence.
Depression tells me I shouldn't even be allowed to have children.
It causes tears to flow, self-pity to set in, self-loathing to commence, and make me feel like I couldn't get any lower in life.
As the tears flow off my face and I feel absolutely alone all I can do is tell myself, "Don't Quit".
This has truly been my mantra in life.
I truly believe God doesn't give us more than we can handle and if I didn't believe that I wouldn't still be here today. I've hidden so much of my pain and sorrow from people.
Some very close friends have seen some of my inner struggles but most people either see one of two sides to me:
1. The crazy, happy go lucky, sweet, caring, and meek person.
2. Or the heated, crazy you take no crap from anyone person.
Inside I feel more like the socially awkward, people are nice to me but don't really like me, in-my-head, nerdy math chic.
At the end of the day, I'm probably a mix of all 3 personalities but if you really got to know me then you'd know my life experiences have made me this way.
We are all handed a different "deck" in life and sometimes it feels like I have been handed a "stacked deck"
I used to think as a child that you either had it really easy as a child and then hard as an adult or vice versa. I can tell you that I don't think that reasoning is logical now that I'm an adult.
But on this very low day where I feel absolutely defeated, I'm going to decide not to cry and muse over my hurts but instead cry and muse over the hurts of others.
Through social media 2 stories have hit my "newsfeed" lately and both make my life look like paradise currently. From a now widowed soldier who has to move on raising newborn twins by himself, to the family about to lose one of their 5 year old twin boys. Both families not even realizing their loved one was ill till literally months ago.
What strikes me the most about both families mentioned is that they haven't lost their faith or love in God. Now honestly as I sit here typing that with tears in my eyes, I just really don't understand that at all. These people are so strong that they can still have their faith even in the midst of the unimaginable.
And I can't have faith when currently no one in my family is knocking on death's door, my children are healthy, and my husband is so amazing supportive?
Dear God,
Help me have the faith of these families. Help me to stay by your side even when I feel like everything is going wrong. Help me be a lighthouse for those people who are hurting the most and help me be there to support them no matter what their needs because EVEN IN THE VALLEY MY GOD IS GOOD.
